1 Billion & 57 Social Media Tips From the Ignorant

We are always hearing from the "experts" on "5 Tips to Craft An Impenetrable Social Media Profile Pic" or "7 Ways to Track Your ROI Engagement Feedback Score." But isn't it high time we upped the ante? Let's expand the conversation ... 5, 7 and 10 tips can't really cover the all glory and pomp that is social media. If my calculations are right -- and they always are -- 1,000,000,057 tips should cover the basics. And if a dog and cat talking on a can string phone isn't social media I don't know what is. Also, what about of ignoramuses of the world? As far as I can tell there are a whole lot more of those guys and their voice should be heard. LET THEM SPEAK!!! The experts have had their day in the sun. Now we shall hear from the people. With this singular post I will divulge the very essence of social media and how you can become a guru and or ninja or whichever misused descriptor is popular now. I have gone where men have previously feared to tread ... dropping all known and unknown Social Media knowledge possible in one post. And now we begin...

1. The Bigger the Brand the Harder We Troll

Big brands, organizations, entities: If at all possible please have open social media Q&A sessions so that we may ask JP Morgan legitimate questions like:

Would you rather negotiate with 1 horse-sized Eric Holder, or 100 duck-sized Eric Holders? #AskJPM — Kevin Roose (@kevinroose)

Having unfettered interaction with unfiltered consumers is always a good time. The inability to control the forum makes for the best possible outcome. Along the same lines please solicit feedback from the masses via hashtag campaigns such as #McDStories. Nothing could ruin this plan.

One time I walked into McDonalds and I could smell Type 2 diabetes floating in the air and I threw up. #McDStories — Skip Sullivan (@SkipSullivan)

Simply beautiful.

2. Support Bloggers. Leave A Comment!

Once upon a time commenting on industry related blog post was a good way to build some backlinks for your site. Google decided not to allow that anymore. Don't fret! Commenting still has its value. You can add your "expert" voice to the conversation or support a community with your involvement by leaving thoughtful insight. Take Ryanair for instance. They decided to lend their expert voice on a blogger's post about their Ryanair website.

Ryanair Staff #1 jason! you’re an idiot and a liar!! fact is! you’ve opened one session then another and requested a page meant for a different session, you are so stupid you dont even know how you did it! you dont get a free flight, there is no dynamic data to render which is prob why you got 0.00. what self respecting developer uses a crappy CMS such as word press anyway AND puts they’re mobile ph number online, i suppose even a prank call is better than nothing on a lonely sat evening!!

Very helpful feedback from the company. You can feel the passion for the subject matter in the commenter's remarks. This is key. Be passionate about what you do. If you can't get excited about what you do, you should find something else that will drive you to ridicule other people in a public forum. Also, insulting an individual's intelligence is a great way to build brand awareness. Before this exchange no one outside of Dublin, Ireland even knew Ryanair existed.

3. Don't Forget to Be Engaging!

Facebook is an ideal place to have running conversations and engagement with your customers. It's a great opportunity to really go more in depth with your adoring fans and find out what they are really thinking. Amy's Baking Company in Arizona had the opportunity to be on the national television show Kitchen Nightmares. //www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIMPqJrePUI   The fans chimed in and the business owners showed how to get it done. And by "it" I mean act like a crazy person. It's super important to vehemently defend your actions after making a public mockery of your business on a nationally televised program. This will ensure that you are received well via websites like Reddit and Yelp as well as your Facebook Fan Page. That's why we call it fanning the flame. The fans will make sure you burn brightly for all to see. Wonderful!!!

Only 1,000,000,054 Short. Dang.

Unfortunately, the internet is running out of space and I will fall just shy of my goal of sharing 1,000,000,057 social media tips. Safe to say that what I have covered is really all you need to know in order to garner millions of adoring followers, fans, friends, likes, favorites, pluses and high fives. It goes without saying, but I am going to say it any way, no one will ever need to post another blog about social media. I have done it! The piece de resistance! (Make sure you read that in a French accent. It's the only way it works.) If you were in the middle of writing a social media post, just delete it. No need to improve on perfection. You are welcome.